Zed (pelicanzed) wrote in swansongs,

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The beginnings of swanslash, or Zed is totally weird! I bet you'd never guessed!

I was looking through all my old writing (in the hope of finding something I could work on), when I stumbled across the beginning of . . .

Broke In Britain: An Oddball Romantic Comedy About Twi And Zed! Twi's fault.

(Written in July 2002. Partially in the apartment Twi lived in when I visited, because, despite being provided with a convenient map of the one she was living in at the time, my imagination resented it for some reason.)

Scene 1: Twi and Jeff’s room. The floor is completely covered with black clothing, food wrappers, tissues, books, CDs, etc. Twi and Jeff lie in bed. An alarm clock goes off. Outside it is light.

Twi: Blarg!

She reaches to switch it off. The time is 13:00.

Jeff (moaning): Can you get me a soda?
Twi: Get it yourself, geen.
Jeff: Bitch. My head hurts.
Twi: Mine always fucking hurts and I don’t see you getting me anything. (Because it wouldn’t be a romantic comedy without needless profanity.)

Twi rubs her eyes and says “Fuck!” upon realising she left her contacts in. She gets out bed, stark naked, because it wouldn’t be a romantic comedy if you didn’t have at least one shot of a naked woman. She picks up a few items off the floor, discarding them, and eventually puts on a black t-shirt and a black velvet skirt. She stumbles into the next room, cursing as she stands on stands on something painful, because excessive profanity is a must too.

In the next room, she switches on the computer. The installation gets to the point where it says, “Microsoft Windows is loading.”

Twi: Come on, Zed’s waiting for me, I haven’t got all day.

Scene 2: The Next Room

“10 MINUTES LATER” appears. Microsoft Windows is still loading.

Twi: Fuck you!

She hits the screen. The computer whirs and continues to initialise. She sits down, and when the initialisation is complete, she sits down, and opens Winamp. She clicks on “Oingo Boingo - Dead Man’s Party” (because it wouldn’t be a box office smash without Danny Elfman being at least partially responsible for the soundtrack) and fires up the Internet.

Scene 3: Zed’s Room

Zed sits at her computer. It is surrounded by bumph. The AIM “You have a message” sound is audible. On the screen, there is a message from brynhalliday saying, “do i make u horney, baby?” because it wouldn’t be a blockbuster without some reference to other popular films, although Bryn really does say this all the time. She opens Winamp, and chooses “Marilyn Manson – Disposable Teens”. Just before the music begins, there is a creaking door sound.

She checks her contact list, clicks on “swanblackswan”, and types “Twizeeb!” in the message window.

The music then alternates between “Disposable Teens” and “Dead Man’s Party”, while the screen shows the conversation:

swanblackswan: Sorry I’m late.
zobbeth: How art thou?
swanblackswan: The usual. Also resisting urge to strangle Jeff, as he's selfish, whiny, and demanding on his best days, but is truly obnoxious when sick.
zobbeth: Oh, gah, what's wrong with him? (Medically, I mean; his other problems could take all day.) I know how you feel: when Bryn's ill, I'm all kind and stoof, whereas when I’m ill he just goes against my every wish. ("Don't bounce on the bed, my stomach is killing me" *boing!*).
swanblackswan: He's got a cold. Awww, poor fucking baby! Like I don't have a cold half my life. Yeah, when I'm sick, Jeff insists on watching loud movies when I'm trying to sleep, makes me fetch him things, etc. i h8 boiz.
Zobbeth: And when Bryn's got a cold, I cuddle him, regardless of the risk I'm at of catching it, but when I had a urinary infection, he refused to go near me! Yeah, like those catch if you breathe on something! yeh boiz suk. I'd rather they just sucked each other.
swanblackswan: Yes, let's do a spell and make Jeff and Bryn gay and in wuv.

Scene 4: The Next Room

“Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode is playing. Twi is looking all spooky (as usual). In the junk, she has cleared a pentagram-shaped space, which she stands in the centre of, and has candles lit at all the intersections.

Scene 5: Zed’s Room

“Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode is playing. Zed is looking somewhat less spooky. She has made a pentagram out of stripy socks, which she stands in the centre of, and at each intersection there is a bottle of nail polish.

Scene 6: The Next Room

The clock in the bottom of the computer screen flicks to 2:00.

Twi: I do not pray

Scene 6: Zed’s Room

The clock on the wall says 10:00.

Zed: For the wings of a dove

Scene 7: Twi’s Room

Twi: Just make Bryn and Jeff gay

Scene 8: Zed’s Room

Zed: And deeply in wuv.

Scene 9: Twi’s Room

There is a sudden gust of Holy Wind. Her hair is Dramatically Windswept. One of the candles falls over, and ignites a book.

Twi: Beep!

Scene 9: Twi And Jeff’s Room

Twi and Jeff are in bed.

Jeff: We need to talk.
Twi: What about?
Jeff: I just don’t feel the same anymore. I’m in love with someone else.
Twi: Who?
Jeff: I don’t get it, but Zed’s boyfriend.
Twi: Ok. So does this mean I’ve got to move out?
Jeff: I guess so. I’m sorry, baby.

Twi gets out of bed.

Scene 10: The Other Room

Twi: Yes!!!!

Scene 11: Zed’s room.

Zed’s mobile rings.

Zed: Hello? (Pause.) You mean Twi? (Pause.) Well, asexual more lately. (Pause.) Jeff. (Pause.) Well, bye then.

She ends the call and yells, uncharacteristically, “FUCK!” and sits down at the computer.

Scene 12: The Other Room

Twi is in the pentagram again playing “Just Can’t Get Enough” again.

Twi: I do not know why, since I just don’t get men, but let Zed and Bryn get together again.

There is a distinct lack of Holy Wind.

Scene 13: Plane

Bryn is on one, telling the man sitting next to him about speakers.

Scene 14: Plane

Twi is on one. Across the aisle from her is a young girl with her mother.

Girl: Mom, is she a gothic?

Scene 15: Airport

Zed walks through metal detector, and sets it off.

Zed: Probably just the boots. Or this.

She indicates the metal hoop on her tartan skirt.

Zed: Or the jacket. Or the dog collar.

Woman (pained): Go on, then.
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